I need fresh meat

Lately, my evening masturbation fantasies have been devoid of specific male protagonists. Apart from the already frustrating fact that I am not getting any real-life action, I also have no current man to lust after. Since I don’t like to waste my thoughts on has-beens or unobtainables, pretty much everyone from the past months is out. My two regulars from my pre-surgery days are now in relationships, the one guy from my beard-lovers dating website I hadn’t yet met has moved to another country, Mr Brazil and I have a lack of chemistry (Chemistry 101), and Mr Mexico clearly isn’t up to the job (The end of the non-affair). As far as building up a network to satisfy my needs is concerned, I’m back to square one and on the prowl again. Very frustrating, when all your usual roads to sex are dead ends all of a sudden…

WTF?!

Technically, I could use “what the fuck?!” as the header for a lot of my blog entries…

A few weeks back, while walking home after a night out, I noticed an attractive, middle-Eastern-looking man in a suit on the other side of the street. He was just saying good-bye to a few friends who all got on a tram and left, after which he crossed the street to my side. I noticed all of this from the corner of my eye, and, even though I wasn’t sure, I kind of had the feeling that he was now walking behind me. When I briefly stopped to admire the random decoration on some local scaffolding (beautiful Japanese paper fans, of all things!) he had caught up with me and started a conversation about art. While I’m no stranger to having guys talk to me, I must admit that it was a first for me to have a man follow me in the middle of the night and then strike up a conversation at random, without us even having exchanged looks beforehand.

We walked side by side for a while and talked about art, politics and culture. When we came to my street and I said “well, this is me” he asked if I fancied a night-cap somewhere. So we ended up in the little bar across from my house and continued to talk about anything and everything for a few hours. He seemed well-educated, intelligent, was good-looking, and – most importantly – was hanging on my every word (and what woman doesn’t like that). Finally, when the bar was about to close, he asked if I had wine at my place and if we could maybe have a last drink back at mine. Now, since it was 2am by then, I ask you: Was I wrong to assume this to be anything less than an invitation for sex? To me, this was clearly a one-night stand pick-up.

As I was considering his proposal (it was quite late, after all, and I was pretty tired) he continued with the topic at hand, which was relationships, fidelity and casual encounters, and casually mentioned that he had been in a relationship for a good 13 years now and that he himself could never bring himself to cheat on his girlfriend. WTF?! I mean who just randomly follows a woman in the street, chats her up, asks her to go for a drink and then suggests to retire back to her place and yet apparently does NOT want to sleep with her because he’s in a long-term, committed relationship and would never cheat?

Needless to say, we parted ways soon after that. I didn’t even bother to ask him why the hell he wanted to come up to my place in the middle of the night if it was not to fuck. That would have only resulted in some BS-story of which I have had more than enough of late. Still, apparently I now need to ask EVERY man who approaches me if he is single straight away – no matter what the subject of conversation. Way to come across as loony and intense – men love that…

Beware of Joe Average

After a few harsh disappointments by fairly regular, seemingly harmless guys I feel the need to send a warning out to all of womankind: they can be the worst! When you meet someone who is slightly less than average looking, neither that confident nor that cocky, then you foolishly feel more safe and at ease. And that’s when they get you…

It’s not just me who has fallen into that particular trap – many of my girlfriends have purposefully chosen not to go for their preferred types, because they were sure that good-looking guys would all be assholes and cheaters. Now, I’m neither saying that all hot guys are bad nor that they have more of a right to act out than average looking guys. And I know, it’s just plain stupid to reduce such a decision and judgment to mere outward appearance in the first place; but you can’t ignore the power of first impressions, and those are mostly based on looks – no matter what your type.

I am a fervent defender of the belief that attractiveness is as much a case of attributes such as humor, intelligence and the likes. And men who are not that empirically good-looking often have these traits galore, as a way to compensate for the obvious shortcoming in the looks department. So, as a woman, you then fall for their sweetness and their ability to make you laugh, and you feel like it’s a safe bet, because – no offense, and in all honesty – they should be glad to have you. No, no – don’t immediately judge me and get your panties in a twist! I’m sure that most women have thought and done this at one point in their lives.

Unfortunately, men have caught on to that female thought process, and what I’ve been observing more and more these past months is less-than-average looking guys behaving like playboys, fucking everything in sight and being complete dicks to all the girls (quite literally). I’m sure that it’s not a general rule, but if the trend does veer in that direction, then, ladies, let’s just go back to hitting on the cutest, hottest man we can find next time. Chances are that he has not been approached in a very long time and he may be overly grateful…

Freedom of choice?

To what extent do we choose the people we’re dating? I think it’s much less than we think.

Have you ever wondered how and why you ended up with a certain someone? And I’m not talking online or agency dating here, where you usually submit a certain set of preferences regarding looks, personality, lifestyle and views and can then pick from a line of matches that meet your criteria. No, I’m talking about meeting people at random. How much say do we really have?

If you’re in a club or bar and someone approaches you, chances are that you will at least talk to him for a bit – if only to find out whether he’s a douche or not. Granted, first impressions do matter, and you will assess his looks and whether he’s (sort of) your type straight away. If he’s not, you may just send him packing immediately. Otherwise, however, you will end up in conversation, during which you can find out a few more things about him, some of which you will like, and – presto – numbers are exchanged and a date is set up. But did you actually choose that guy? Not if he approached you. You may have decided to speak to him and then agreed to meet him again, but you did not actively pick him.

Your current situation and state of mind (and heart!) also play a big role in deciding the outcome of an encounter. Imagine you are actively looking for a relationship and have been feeling a bit lonely of late. If men aren’t queuing outside your door to ask you out (which would mean that you’d be able to pick), wouldn’t you apply different rules to the ones who DO approach you? I’m pretty sure that standards get lowered and guys you’d normally not give a second glance get a shot.

So much about meeting people is up to chance anyway: making or missing the subway (i.e. getting there on time or arriving late), accepting or declining a last-minute invite, choosing an activity or venue for a night out. I’m not at all saying that it is better one way or the other. If we always had to actively choose from everyone out there, we’d probably be overwhelmed. Sometimes it’s definitely nice to have part of the work being done for you and part of the decision taken away from you. After all, when things go down the drain in the end we can at least blame part of it on fate.

Now what?!

Things really do happen when you least expect them. Unfortunately, they are not always good things…

I actually met someone I kinda like during a last-minute night out this week. He’s a friend of a friend and in town for a few weeks on vacation. Obviously he is neither from this country nor single – what else?! Funnily enough, at first I though that he was gay, and we had a few hours of carefree chatting before I found out that he was a) not gay, b) apparently into me and c) in a relationship. Needless to say, that immediately changed the dynamics of the conversation.

We met up again the day after and wandered around the city, doing a bit of sight-seeing and a lot of talking. It’s the usual BS-does-me-no-good story: The relationship has apparently run its course as there are problems that can’t be overcome, and it’s probably/maybe/eventually going to end. I mean, fair enough, it could very well be true, and people do meet randomly and unexpectedly all the time and find out they kinda like each other. But between him being taken and us living at other ends of the world this is less than ideal.

Another night out followed, during which it became pretty clear that we were into each other (which was a surprise to me, as he is not really my type looks-wise) and at the end of which we kissed. Nothing big, no huge make-out session, but enough to make me think “shit – now what?!”. Oh, and did I mention that his girlfriend is flying in to join him for the rest of his vacation? So not only am I completely overwhelmed by the sudden realization that I kinda like him, there is also no way of really seeing him again (alone) before he fucks off back home. Perfect situation…

Supply and demand

I have a problem. At present, I do not have enough casual acquaintances/fuck buddies/friends with benefits to satisfy my appetite and needs. It’s neither a serious problem, not a new one (“On the prowl”), but it is a problem nonetheless.

When I was in my 20s, I used to go out most nights, and, generally, there would always be a good-enough-looking guy to go home with at the end of the night. When I got older I switched to my beloved friends-with-benefits system (for various obvious reasons, the main one being safety). However, back then, I used to have more willing and able gentlemen at my disposal. Such is the burden of being relatively new to being single in a city in which you have not lived for that long. At least not long enough to build up a small army, it seems…

Nowadays I keep finding myself home alone and incredibly in the mood for sex (I hate the word “horny”, so I try to avoid using it, if I at all can). Oh, let’s not beat around the bush: I could pretty much do it two, three times a day. So what seems to be the problem with widening my circle of available men? I guess it’s because I don’t want to fuck just anybody. If I did, I’d be on Tinder or literally sit and wait at the bar for any given guy to approach me. But for someone to be let into my life (and my apartment and bed, for that matter), they need to display certain qualities and I need to trust them to some extent, which is not something that happens over night. There is a certain amount of prep work to be done, and not every new encounter ends in the desired result.

At the time this blog went online, the author, sadly, did not yet have a satisfactory solution to her problem…

On the prowl

Is it ok for a woman to randomly approach men in the street and ask them whether they’d like to fuck? Because that’s exactly what I felt like doing the other night.

It turns out that my current arrangement of two fuck buddies is not enough for my sexual appetite – especially since both are rather flaky when it comes to availability. So, after a night out where none of them were free and it was impossible to meet any straight men, I found myself wandering the streets, pretty much checking out every guy that passed me.

What’s wrong with chatting people up in the street? Why go through the trouble of finding a bar, buying a drink, sitting there for a while, waiting to be approached, then finally taking the first step yourself, when you might as well just ask the man who is clearly looking you up and down as he is walking past? And, mind you, we are not talking about meeting your soul mate here – it’s just for sex.

Safety is a word that has been thrown at me in that context. But, to be honest, why would it be unsafe? If you were a bad guy trying to find female victims to take home, wouldn’t you choose a place where people specifically go to meet and hook up, like a bar? I hardly think that those men are sitting on park benches. Which woman in her right mind would just go home with a guy who chats her up in the street? On the other hand, I really do think that guys would go for that – provided that they are free and have no place urgent to go.

Needless to say, I did not approach anyone that night. But I did ponder all of these things and finally came to the conclusion that it is ok and probably not more unsafe than meeting people the “regular” way. Still, the better solution to my problem is simply finding more regular fuck buddies.

Kiss with a fist

I like it rough in bed. And I’m not talking that 50 shades of grey blindfold/silk scarf crap. When I say rough, I pretty much mean full-on war. On occasion, I’ve gone out on a limb and told new guys what I like (too soon) and completely scared them off.

The first problem is that most people don’t understand what I mean when I say rough. They think of spanking, a bit of hair-pulling and maybe halfheartedly calling me an inappropriate word every once in a while. That’s all fine and dandy for everyday-sex. But every once in a while I really need to let loose, and then it’s more like ropes, chains, whips, choking, bruises that take weeks to heal and maybe the cool touch of a blade. I love a good fight, and sometimes that part can take hours before we finally get to the fucking.

The second problem – and this is the bigger one – is that once I have told them what I really mean, they think that I want and need this every day. OF COURSE NOT! This is just something I like to do on occasion. But once they have those pictures in their heads, that’s all they can think about and it tends to just scare the crap out of them. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that only people who are also into that can understand and immediately get that you are NOT talking about everyday stuff here. And you really want someone who is also into it, because it’s just not possible to do this as a favor. That would be way too risky.

In the past years I’ve found it a bit difficult to find like-minded men (again, this is only an occasional pastime, so it’s not such a big deal). I might, however, have stumbled across someone on the same wavelength on my beard-lovers’ site. I’m quite excited, actually, as it has been a long while since I’ve needed a safe-word. Only problem is that this would involve me traveling abroad to meet him. But to be honest, I’ve been considering it for a while. We’ve been chatting for a few weeks now, and we seem to have a lot of odd and wonderful things in common – culminating in this new discovery of a shared knowledge of what the word “rough” really means…

Dating young – the pros and cons

Friends have asked me why I have been dating in the mid- to late 20s range of late. Well, to be honest, it is not a question of choice but of whom I meet. Guys that age are more likely to be single and are also out and about a lot more. And while I don’t purposely choose younger guys, I do appreciate the obvious advantages they have to offer.

For one, they are almost always in the mood and can go all night – a good match, because that’s exactly my mind-set at the moment. They also fit my schedule perfectly – I just go about my days, making plans with friends in the evenings, and when the night ends early (as a lot of my friends have kids or generally don’t stay out that late) I can spontaneously call and set a date. And you can just have uncomplicated fun with them – bottom line.

You do need to watch out for the obvious traps, however. For instance, having frequent late-night sex sessions can wear you out pretty quickly, so make sure to balance it out with the occasional early sign-off and shut-eye. Always remember: Nothing ages you faster than lack of sleep! Another useful rule is to always keep it casual. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t talk or share, and you can obviously also just hang out without it always ending in sex; but an age difference of around ten years just means that it will never be more than a fling – even if it lasts for a long time.

But the most important thing is to not think about it too much. Don’t consciously consider the age difference in whatever you do and say – simply ignore it. After all, a person is not solely defined by their age. There are a lot of very grown-up young guys and a lot of older men who behave like 7-year-olds. So just enjoy the advantages and have fun – or are you really THAT old already?!

Mr. Volatile – part one

One of my matches on the beard-loving website lives really far away, so we started off by just chatting and messaging on whatsapp. He’s a pretty interesting guy; certainly not your run-of-the-mill man, and rather complicated from the get-go. I am not one to shy away from a challenge, and, let’s face it, I am anything but uncomplicated – so I thought, who am I to judge someone on this…

Initially, everything was good. We chatted, shared life stories and experiences and got on really well. He has a black, dry sense of humor, which I love, and we have all sorts of likes and dislikes in common. Communication started to get more and more tricky, however, as it began to unfold that he had a tendency to get jealous and seemed to take this getting-to-know-one-another process way too seriously, given the platform on which we had met. Don’t get me wrong, under the right circumstances I find it pretty hot when a guy is a bit possessive. All in good measure, however, and, if possible, more as a bit of a role-playing game, and certainly not right away!

Nonetheless, I am really into him, find him attractive and, I have to admit, am generally drawn to complicated men. We had a few VERY good “sexting” sessions, and it also seemed as if we would get on like a house on fire in bed. So we talked about meeting in person to see if we have chemistry and I booked a flight to go see him. And, obviously, this is where the story takes a nasty turn…

Since then he has freaked out on me on a regular basis. He has continuously taken things the wrong way (and gotten angry about it), taken things that are obviously meant as a joke way too seriously (and gotten angry about it), gotten jealous over me not messaging him right back (and gotten angry about it), etc. He also did not believe me when I told him that I had booked a flight (and got angry about it). I have the sneaking suspicion that he just doesn’t understand why I would travel so far just to meet and fuck him. Granted, it may seem a bit excessive, given that there are hundreds of men in my city that I could go meet. But I actually find him really interesting and sexy. And yes, I admit it: I will travel for a fuck (if it’s an interesting and good one – so I AM taking somewhat of a chance with someone I have never met, I am aware…) – so shoot me.

Now I have my plane ticket and this unstable man, who keeps throwing a mad fit at any given moment. Great! Should have seen it coming. Stay tuned for what happens next…