I need fresh meat

Lately, my evening masturbation fantasies have been devoid of specific male protagonists. Apart from the already frustrating fact that I am not getting any real-life action, I also have no current man to lust after. Since I don’t like to waste my thoughts on has-beens or unobtainables, pretty much everyone from the past months is out. My two regulars from my pre-surgery days are now in relationships, the one guy from my beard-lovers dating website I hadn’t yet met has moved to another country, Mr Brazil and I have a lack of chemistry (Chemistry 101), and Mr Mexico clearly isn’t up to the job (The end of the non-affair). As far as building up a network to satisfy my needs is concerned, I’m back to square one and on the prowl again. Very frustrating, when all your usual roads to sex are dead ends all of a sudden…

The longer you wait…

I have avoided writing about a certain man for a while now, but I think that it is high time for me to start doing so.

The beard-lovers dating site has provided me with what seems to be an ideal match. More so, he seems to be me, just in male form. A few months ago, Mr. Brazil (he’s from there originally, but lives in a completely different part of the world now) and I were matched and started communicating via email and messenger. Bit by bit we started to discover things about our personalities, likes and dislikes, emotional depths, background, hobbies, etc. that were exactly the same, and it has been a bit weird. I never expected to ever meet a man who would be so much like myself, and I still don’t know quite how to feel about it. It can either be a match made in heaven or turn out to be too much of a good thing.

So far, we haven’t met in person. We’ve tried a few times, but circumstances (or maybe fate?) have always prevented it. This has led to me being unbelievably curious and excited by now – maybe a bit too much for my own good. On paper, Mr. Brazil is the ideal man for me: tall, dark (Latino), well-read and cultured, writes, has travelled the world and lived in different countries, speaks several languages, is open-minded and liberal, aware and not afraid of his feelings, into rough sex (and I mean really rough), likes to spend time with friends but is more of an introvert. However, we all know that paper is not the same as real life, so I am dying to finally meet him.

To be honest, if there really is chemistry, this could be it for me. Maybe that’s the reason why I am a bit shit-scared. Or it could be because the longer I wait the more likely it is for me to have completely unrealistic expectations of him that can only lead to heavy disappointment.

WTF?!

Technically, I could use “what the fuck?!” as the header for a lot of my blog entries…

A few weeks back, while walking home after a night out, I noticed an attractive, middle-Eastern-looking man in a suit on the other side of the street. He was just saying good-bye to a few friends who all got on a tram and left, after which he crossed the street to my side. I noticed all of this from the corner of my eye, and, even though I wasn’t sure, I kind of had the feeling that he was now walking behind me. When I briefly stopped to admire the random decoration on some local scaffolding (beautiful Japanese paper fans, of all things!) he had caught up with me and started a conversation about art. While I’m no stranger to having guys talk to me, I must admit that it was a first for me to have a man follow me in the middle of the night and then strike up a conversation at random, without us even having exchanged looks beforehand.

We walked side by side for a while and talked about art, politics and culture. When we came to my street and I said “well, this is me” he asked if I fancied a night-cap somewhere. So we ended up in the little bar across from my house and continued to talk about anything and everything for a few hours. He seemed well-educated, intelligent, was good-looking, and – most importantly – was hanging on my every word (and what woman doesn’t like that). Finally, when the bar was about to close, he asked if I had wine at my place and if we could maybe have a last drink back at mine. Now, since it was 2am by then, I ask you: Was I wrong to assume this to be anything less than an invitation for sex? To me, this was clearly a one-night stand pick-up.

As I was considering his proposal (it was quite late, after all, and I was pretty tired) he continued with the topic at hand, which was relationships, fidelity and casual encounters, and casually mentioned that he had been in a relationship for a good 13 years now and that he himself could never bring himself to cheat on his girlfriend. WTF?! I mean who just randomly follows a woman in the street, chats her up, asks her to go for a drink and then suggests to retire back to her place and yet apparently does NOT want to sleep with her because he’s in a long-term, committed relationship and would never cheat?

Needless to say, we parted ways soon after that. I didn’t even bother to ask him why the hell he wanted to come up to my place in the middle of the night if it was not to fuck. That would have only resulted in some BS-story of which I have had more than enough of late. Still, apparently I now need to ask EVERY man who approaches me if he is single straight away – no matter what the subject of conversation. Way to come across as loony and intense – men love that…

8 simple rules

So after a good month or two of online dating activities, let’s recap. There are a few valuable lessons that I have been fortunate enough to learn so far:

1) A lot of men on online dating sites are actually NOT single. So make sure to ask them straight away. The best time is during the first date, and let me tell you why: If you ask them beforehand and hence via chat/messenger/text, they might have an easy time lying to you if they don’t want to be honest about that subject. If you ask them on the first date, they will be taken aback and – should they have planned on lying to you – more likely to give themselves away by means of body language.

2) Many men will lie about their height. It is especially vexing when they do so right before you meet them for the first time. I just want to know so that I know what’s coming. So that I don’t show up and my chin drops to the floor. Honestly, what’s the point of lying when you will see each other in a few hours? Maybe they think that I won’t show up if they are substantially shorter than I am? Come on, guys. Then I’d be a real bitch and at least you could call me that. Of course I’ll still show up. But I like to be prepared so that I don’t make YOU feel uncomfortable as well…

3) Not all people look the same in real life as they do in pictures. Now, that is not really anybody’s fault. You should just know it and be prepared for it. Also, pictures can be well-chosen and/or rather old…

4) Always make sure you speak to the guy on the phone before you meet up with him in person. You wouldn’t believe how important things like tone of voice and accent can be – sometimes they can make or break a man.

5) Coming back to pictures: There are various categories of deal-breaker profile photos, including, but not limited to, the following (which I have seen being used many, many times): him hugging/kissing a(nother) woman; a group photo with two or more men, so you can’t tell whose profile it really is; him holding a baby/kid but not mentioning whether it is his (and if the mother is still in the picture) in his description; him holding a knife/gun to someone else’s throat/head (apart from the lack of decency and suitability, if that other person is another man, then it is again impossible to tell whose profile it really is).

6) Don’t expect to actually get to meet every single guy you are matched with. Some men are so surprised that someone is interested in them that they freak out and refuse to take it to the real world. Some will just keep it in the virtual realm forever and ever.

7) When it comes to steamy chats before the first date, remember that it is very easy to exaggerate online. A guy who tells you that he wants to pile drive you into oblivion while you scream his name (bitch) might just be too shy to even kiss you in real life.

8) Feelings can develop and become intense much more quickly online than in the real world, because they are just that: not real. So make sure that you a) take a step back and “get real” every once in a while and b) try to meet up in person as soon as possible to avoid going down that road altogether. Nothing is worse than thinking you have fallen in love without even having seen the guy face-to-face.

Bottom line is: don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed!

Let me disappoint you

Oh to be young again and full of hope!

No, wait – that was actually shit, because we were wide-eyed and gullible and fell for every life-lie presented to us. Like the one induced by rom coms, one of the most dangerous and disillusioning of them all. These movies make us believe that everything always ends well with men, no matter what the circumstances. If he is in a relationship or married, he will choose you, leave his significant other, and somehow, in the end, all those involved will be ok with it and best friends – even the scorned ex-partner. If he hasn’t noticed you (because you are not his type), he will either have an epiphany or you will magically transform into what he desires; without losing your true self along the way, of course. If he is an asshole and treats you like shit, he will – in time – see the light and become a changed man; just you wait and see! If he lives far away, he will move to be closer to you. If it is not the right time for you now, you will most certainly run into each other later in life and then be perfect for each other. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…

Ladies, none of this will happen in real life. Men won’t just magically realize that you are the one and come running. True, sometimes freak incidences do occur. But they are very rare, and we must not let ourselves get all hopeful and dreamy and expect it to happen to us. This is not pessimism, it’s realism! Live your lives like no past prince will come to save you. Forget about the many men you have met but – for one reason or another – could not have. Instead, go out and look for those worthy of your time and efforts. Trust me, you’re better off that way.

Mr. Nice Guy – part two

First dates can be tricky. Especially when you have never seen the other person in the flesh or even talked on the phone before. It used to be that a guy and a girl would meet at a bar, party or other social gathering. They would exchange phone numbers, after which the guy would wait the recommended amount of time (keep her on her toes but don’t let her lose interest) to call her. They would talk on the phone a few times and eventually set a time and place to meet up again. Simple, no? And both would already know the most important things about the other (visual characteristics would have been revealed at the initial encounter, personality traits and likes/dislikes would have been discovered during the phone calls).

Nowadays you oftentimes meet in the vacuum that is the internet, devoid of any measure of authenticity. Mr. Nice Guy is, indeed, a very sweet guy (as advertised). However, the following is also true of him:                                                                                                   1) Despite having revealed his height to be not even a full inch shorter than mine (you may remember that this is one of my hang-ups and was one of my fears) he somehow still is noticeably shorter than me. And I was wearing very thin flip-flops.                                       2) He is clearly not from the alternative side of town – neither as far as his style of dress nor his taste in music is concerned. Now, to some of you this may seem like a negligible detail on the side. To me, however, it is rather important. And yes, I am aware that I am outing myself as somewhat (if not hugely) judgmental here…                                              3) His accent, sadly, means that I am closed for business sexually. Again, I am sorry, but some accents just have that effect on me.                                                                           4) While he does look like the pictures he has posted on the dating website, he obviously photographs well, or, probably like most people, has chosen his best photos to go up on the site. Call me crazy, but I prefer people who don’t look quite as good in their pictures as in real life.

All the above did mean that, initially, the first date was not off to a good start; however, to my surprise, we did end up having a nice time chatting, and I have to admit that the time just flew by. Still, I did not intend to set a second date. But the guy was sneaky: He secretly paid while I was using the restroom and then told me that I could just buy him a drink the next time we’d meet up. What was I supposed to say? “No, here is some cash, cause I don’t wanna see you again”? I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t say yes either; instead I just smiled, like a jackass.When it was time to say good-bye he kissed me softly, said he had had a really great time and was looking forward to seeing me again. Damn it!

I am torn – he is sweet, but all these surrounding circumstances weigh so heavily on me. After voicing my doubts as to whether we should meet up again and explaining reasons 1 and 2 to him via whatsapp later like a sissy, he was such a good sport about it and even thought it funny. Apparently he has no problem with me being a bit taller, dressing differently or having a different lifestyle and taste in music. Because he, unlike me, does not judge people by those criteria. When he looks at me, he simply sees someone he likes, feels at ease with and would like to get to know better. Jackass indeed (me); but I can’t help it! Due to the height and accent issues mentioned above, I – unlike him – do not feel as at ease with him. I would like to give him a second chance though. And he did mention that his clothes were work-related and that he dresses differently privately (as evidenced by the pictures on the site). Maybe the second date needs to be a really relaxed affair in a private setting…?

At the time this blog post went online, this author was still undecided…

Friends with benefits

I spent the morning masturbating for an hour or two. Not just because I could, but because I had to.

The previous night was – again – prolonged until well past midnight and saw me sexting with various men, who are either unobtainable (for various reasons) or live far away. Seriously, I don’t mind being single, but I need to work on my fuck-buddy network here in this city. It’s not that I have only recently moved here, but it has not been that long and I was in a relationship for the most part, up until about a year ago. In my previous city I had a pretty good set-up of 3-4 friends with whom – whenever we were both single – I would hook up on a regular basis. I have yet to establish that kind of safety net here in this city, sadly. Which forces me to indulge in vicarious activities that provide immediate relief but leave me unsatisfied and frustrated in the long run. I could, of course, go out, roam the streets and bars and be looking to score. But that’s not really my style. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind meeting men and having a fun night if it’s a good match and happens. But I really hate the whole leading-up-to-it procedure. Having to talk, share stories and experiences, toy around the fact that all you want is to get fucked (because you don’t want to seem like a desperate, horny slut), all the while not even knowing if he will be any good in bed and like the same stuff you do. That’s just exhausting and too much effort, to be honest. So I really appreciate having a few good and reliable men at the ready; men whom I can trust, men who know me and know what I like, men with whom I can also spend a good few hours talking before and/or after if we feel like it.

So here’s some advice: If a fling or short relationship doesn’t work out, don’t just discard the guy immediately. If the sex was good, see if you can get him to join your friends-with-benefits club. You will be grateful some day, trust me!

How young is too young?

When you’re in your mid-thirties, you eventually start to wonder what age range in men is right for you. This has nothing to do with personal preference; rather it is necessary, because most men that age are (currently) taken. So you find yourself leaning towards older or younger men. Personally, I have never had a problem with dating older men; rather the opposite… Until recently, however, I have never been with someone substantially younger than me – five years at the most.

In the past months I had two experiences with guys who are 10-15 years my junior. Both were chance encounters: one I met on a flight, the other one was a waiter at an otherwise boring event. While I must applaud their general energy and enthusiasm, the ones I have met, unfortunately, were a bit wooden in their delivery and definitely lack passion. Or maybe there isn’t enough chemistry because of the age difference? I’m not sure. They are both extremely gorgeous, sexy and sweet, but they just don’t do it for me. I can’t deny that I am attracted to men mainly because of their humor, their intellect and their personality. Traits that might still be in the making with young guys. I’m not deluding myself – I didn’t expect to have great conversations in these instances, but it seems that “just hot” maybe doesn’t suffice.

The first one was a one-night stand with no further contact, which was perfect for the occasion. So no real awkwardness afterwards. With the second, the younger of the two, the defining moment was when I got into his car, buckled up and had him stare at me like I had just fallen out of a tree. He told me that no-one had ever buckled up in his car before, himself included, as, apparently, that is OUT with kids these days. I just wanted to reach over, smack him and tell him to buckle the fuck up. Needless to say, that was the end of him…

The LinkedIn disaster

I am constantly amused and sometimes slightly appalled by the approaches men choose to adopt to meet women. And by meet I mainly mean fuck.

I was recently contacted by someone on LinkedIn, who had apparently seen my profile, found it interesting and wanted to meet to discuss job opportunities. Or so I thought. Not only did it turn out that he was no longer head of the company that was listed on his LinkedIn profile (a very interesting company indeed, and one I wanted to work for); he also had no intention of talking about possible job opportunities or collaborations. Granted, he was funny and charming, and we did have a good time talking about this and that. But I did feel duped, as I was expecting a professional meeting with a related outcome.

After lunch we exchanged phone numbers, he said that he hoped we could meet up again sometime, and we said our good-byes. And that’s when it took a nasty turn, thanks to Mister Inappropriate. A mere minute after I had left he started messaging me, saying that he found me very attractive, that he hadn’t wanted to say anything during the meeting, as it was in a professional context (gee, thanks!), and whether I would object to him flirting with me now that the meeting was over. Smooth, man, really smooth! He continued by bombarding me with messages of a more and more private nature and followed that up by sending me pictures of various tattooed body parts (thankfully all PG-rated). When I finally lost it and told him that this was totally inappropriate, especially given the circumstances under which we had met, he got mad and complained that he did, after all, ask me whether he could flirt with me. SERIOUSLY, GUYS, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU SOMETIMES?!

Let me tell you one thing though, and I regret my own stupidity, as I have learned this years ago but have clearly not always adhered to it: MEN NEED A CLEAR “NO”! Everything else you say will be a “YES” to them! You have to flat out tell them that you are not interested and that they should leave you alone. And, hats off to them, most of the time they just take it in their stride and move on. Women could never be that blasé about rejection. A serious shortcoming that we all have to work on…

Virtual bullshit

I have recently started to become active online as well.

To be honest, I’ve never been one for virtual encounters. For one, I am not shy, so I just approach men whenever I see one I like in a bar, on the street or in a shop. Modern times have made that quite hard, however, as pretty much everyone is glued to their phones or tablets while out and about nowadays. It’s both funny and sad to see people trying to find a significant other on a mobile device whilst simultaneously passing many potential partners in real life. Have we become so scared that we can no longer look someone in the eye and maybe go talk to them? Ladies, be brave! If you see a guy you like in the street, just go talk to them! What’s the worst that can happen? I have never had a bad reaction. Sometimes the guys are taken, but they always love that a woman chats them up and thinks that they’re hot. Who wouldn’t?!

Meeting someone in person also holds another advantage: You can immediately check out a guy’s actual looks, his tone of voice, his height, his scent, his body language and whether you have chemistry or not – all very important components! There is nowhere to hide in person, so you won’t get all these fakes you get online. Despite all this, I have still ventured into the otherworldly dimension for the first time, so watch this space for my accounts of virtual fun, nonsense and possibly madness.